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ARE YOU STAYING TOGETHER FOR CHILDREN’S SAKE

children's-sake-balduf-divorceAre you really staying together for children’s sake, or are you afraid of coming to terms with your life (and in that case hiding behind your children)?

People come and talk to be at the start of a matter and begin by talking about what they think they should do for their children’s sake with this in mind, I often tell my potential clients in the free consultation you have only two doors to walk through.  The first door points to a path that continues the life you have and the second door opens to a journey that will change your life and the life of your family forever.  The first door offers a path that is familiar and the second door is gray, murky and unfamiliar.

Let’s explore the first door.  Is your current life a positive environment and example for your children sake?  If your children came to you and described their life as your life is…would you encourage them to stay together and “suck it up”? Would you suggest to them that the current life they have is what is best for them?  For your children’s sake. Is your current life the example you want to set for your children?  Whether positive or negative, marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. Remember your child’s marriage will most likely reflect what you did in your marriage and not what you tell them marriage should be.  So, might your marriage be an overall positive environment and the example you want for your children, although a challenge at times? Truthfully, sometimes the answer is yes.  The matter that brings you to the point of considering separation, after further reflection, may be something that can be affectively addressed within a marriage.  Marriage does matter. Marriage is something worth making successful…when you can make it work.  However, when marriages are not working…isn’t door two the only direction left?

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. I wonder whose sake it’s really for. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children, they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.” When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. I wonder whose sake it’s really for. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children, they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children. If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.”   Mel Schwartz LCSW. For the Sake of the Children Divorce isn’t failure; living in unhappiness is failure. Posted Aug 31, 2015

Door two, the journey that will change your life and the life of your family forever… gray, murky and unfamiliar.  What determines whether you take this journey? This is answered differently for each individual but I can say that FEAR is what stops almost everyone who does not.

The fear of harm to the children (children’s sake), fear of not having the necessary resources to live separate lives, fear of not knowing what life will look like or fear of being alone.

My advice…face those fears.  I sit with my client the very first meeting after they retain me and we walk through the worst case scenarios.  We face the “elephant in the room”-FEAR and we defeat it.  How?  In almost 30 years I have never met anyone who couldn’t do what they have to do.  There are tools to help you, there are laws to help you, there are communities to help you, there are professionals to help you.  An amazing thing happens when you realize that you can survive the worst case scenario… anything after that a gift.  You won’t be controlled by fear your life will be directed by choices and plans. And it doesn’t hurt to remember one last fact:  Divorce is not harmful to children.  People are harmful to children.

 

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